US to raise standards for school beef
Ground beef purchased by the federal government for school cafeterias will have to meet higher safety standards by July, officials said yesterday.
A spokesperson announced that after decades of bribes and kickbacks, the federal government is thinking of no longer purchasing tainted and spoiled meat byproducts for school food programs. The Agriculture Department insisted that despite the unclean record of the Agricultural Marketing Service, that the federal government really and truly is thinking about providing healthy food for the school lunch program. Really, really. The spokesperson for the Agriculture Department stated that the same trainers who taught the S.E.C. to watch porn, and the oil regulators to watch oil spills, will supply the same care and concern in creating a skin thin veneer for the new, safer, healthier food program. A spokesperson for the federal government insisted that even though they will no longer poison the bodies of students, they would never stop poisoning the minds of students.
The onion.com was quoted as saying that if I "ever attempt to write a humorous article again, they will have my literary license revoked."
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